• Andrew
• Jan 24,2008
• In: Entertainment

Magical Movie Review: Cloverfield

Hey guys, welcome to another PCS “magical” review. Today I shall be butchering reviewing that new, awesome looking monster movie that has had everyone sleepless at night from the excitement since it was announced in July. Just be warned, spoilers may lay ahead and I don’t really care if you haven’t seen it yet; you’re the overly curious one that read it.

Cloverfield was done through the perspective of a handy cam. Lucky for our hero Rob, clips from his homemade porn film were completely overwritten while filming this monstrosity. (God I love word games)

So Rob is made Vice president of a Japanese porn company disguised as a famous iced drink vendor (because Hot Coffee would make things too obvious) and has to move to Japan. Hearing of Rob’s great success in becoming a “cashier” a bunch of people decide to throw Rob a going away party. Most of these people didn’t even know him, they just wanted to see boobs.

Things went shit however when one of the girls in Rob’s porn film walked in. She just wanted something to eat but Rob needed her to stay anorexic for her next appearance. She threw a big freaking hissy-fit that you could hear from a mile away and stormed out.

Meanwhile, a tanker carrying Kool-Aid hits a sandbar and begins to sink while leaking over ten thousand gallons of Kool-Aid into the ocean. The horrid taste reaches the “monster” who is actually the Staypuff marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters who had been rotting at the bottom of the polluted New York waters since the 80’s.

Radiation can really do a number on your skin, especially when exposed for that long…

So the marshmallow man, furious about this Kool-Aid incident decides to take out his frustration and pummel the shit out of New York City. He starts by decapitating the Statue of Liberty, mainly because she never called him while he was away, and also because he needed something to use so he could beat the shit out of everyone in New York City. Everyone runs to the streets screaming how they’re under attack when really they weren’t under attack, they were just having the shit beat out of them.

 

WHERE IZ UR GODZ NAO?

The people didn’t quite like the idea of getting the shit beat out of them so they decided to flee the city by crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. They were pretty much safe until Britney Spears came to cross as well. The bridge collapsed under her weight killing her and hundreds of people. Cloverfield Monster (we’ll just call him that from now on) was pleased.

Britney also collapsed a balcony trying to “do it” with a guy dressed as an Oompa Loompa in another one of Rob’s Porn Tapes.

So Bush calls off the war in Iraq and using this new mod for Call of Duty 4 he manages to get the entire US Military back and in New York in the matter of about five minutes where they target and kill innocent civilians. Cloverfield Monster was once again pleased.

The US Military on a rampage. The “girl” on the left is actually Waldo in disguise and without his trademark hat.

Rob, a huge Call of Duty 4 fan himself gets over-excited and storms into an electronics store where he robs a bazillion cellphones so he can call all his friends online to tell them he’s playing the real thing.

Rob’s popularity amongst his online peers may have skyrocketed that day, but his rank as a sniper still sucks.

The Military dudes grab Rob, Camera Guy, Girl #34 and Waldo and drag them into this place where they try to heal the people they shot so nobody in the 49 other states will know about the slaughter. It is then we learn that Waldo has Ebola and explodes into a million pieces, just like Rick Moranis.

No longer having to keep track of Waldo, Rob drags Camera Guy and Girl #34 to go rescue Rob’s whore whom he needs to keep alive if he wants to remain rich and famous in Japan. After another stop at the electronics store to call more friends and tell them about his big plan, they find her in her room with a giant sharp object stabbed through her upper left chest…. right where her heart should be…

So even after having her heart stabbed out of her she still manages to be alive. Rob and Camera Guy rape her… or at least that’s what it sounds like. Camera Guy aimed the camera away so we really don’t know what happened… quite honestly I don’t think she knows either, hah, hah, hah.

Then suddenly, out of the sky drops Arnold Schwarzenegger! He tells them all to go and get to the choppa and sacrifices himself… actually, he could’ve just ran with them and it wouldn’t have made such a big difference, but no, everyone knows great politics go down hard.

Who’s your daddy and what does he do? Well… what DIDN’T he do?

 

So, they all get into helicopters safe and sound. They survived the night of dodging an overgrown Marshmallow pumped with Steroids and now got to enjoy it getting owned by a B2’s badass payload of SHIT.

“Yeahh!! They Got it! They Got the Monster!”
“Wait, something’s moving…”
“HAY GUIZ! SUP?” *smashes Helicopter*

After being blown out of the sky, they somehow all survive… minus the military guys who ironically were the only ones that didn’t… I mean, you got these people that have had the shit beat out of them, and then tough guys in padded armor and stuff… obviously those are the ones that die.

CameraGuy wakes up and is so happy that he survived the crash, especially when he looks up!

He’s really not all that bad once you get to know him… as for Camera Guy… things got a bit TOO personal.

CameraGuy got eateded like a cookie by Cloverfield Monster, Rob and Whore spend the last five minutes saying “Oh shit” (they can say what they want now that their parents were probably eaten too.) So realizing they need someone to carry the camera around, they decide to run under a bridge and make a new Camera Guy. (if you get what I mean) However, Cloverfield Monster was the only intelligent character in this movie and knew the movie would run another nine months, especially it being a documentary, so he smashes the shit out of them, movie over.

What better way than to spend a Thursday afternoon watching a pornographic monster movie? I mean really, pure genius.

9.5 / 10

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