• Alex
• Nov 26,2007
• In: Blog

Let’s Butcher History: Christopher Columbus

This week’s Time Capsule involves a guy who almost killed off a whole race, was a dick to all of his followers, and he wrote a bunch of books.Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about that asshole Christopher Columbus. You might disagree with me, but I shall prove you wrong. He was a guy who was all for raping and killing and slaughtering Natives while he traveled the world. Of course, being the dumbass that he is, he though he was in India but every guy knows that India isn’t North America!

So first of all, this guy is a nobody in Spain. He somehow bitches and whines to the King Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain until they’re all like “fine, here’s some money and stop pleading to us god dammit!” (I swear to God they said those EXACT words…I’M SERIOUS)

Chris hiding his Royal money in the one place people won’t get to it…in his stomach.

Ok, so using Lincoln Logs and some Tacky Glue, Chris makes three ships which names I can’t remember at this moment so we’ll call them the Nintendo, the Pina Colada, and the Santa Macaroni or something of that matter. So on 1492, they set off, only to realize that that the Nintendo has sunk instantly due to the whole front of the ship being made out of Megablocks (cause they ran out of Lincoln Logs and being a cheap bastard couldn’t afford Legos used shitty Megablocks)

Using the power of heavy labor and financial power, Chris uses his stockpile of bitch money to get to the New World…but EVERYONE KNOWS ITS CALLED AMERICA. So he gets there and Columbus is all: “I have finally found India!” But all the Native Americans try to tell him otherwise which then leads to a giant massacre of all the Natives cause Columbus is a dick and doesn’t know how to treat people equally. So in the end, he gets to America only to realize there’s no gold and Ferdinand and Isabella would like to have a word with him.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Use MapQuest when traveling, ok?