• Alex
  • Nov 26,2007
  • In: Blog

Let’s Butcher History: Christopher Columbus


This week’s Time Capsule involves a guy who almost killed off a whole race, was a dick to all of his followers, and he wrote a bunch of books.Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about that asshole Christopher Columbus. You might disagree with me, but I shall prove you wrong. He was a guy who was all for raping and killing and slaughtering Natives while he traveled the world. Of course, being the dumbass that he is, he though he was in India but every guy knows that India isn’t North America!

So first of all, this guy is a nobody in Spain. He somehow bitches and whines to the King Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain until they’re all like “fine, here’s some money and stop pleading to us god dammit!” (I swear to God they said those EXACT words…I’M SERIOUS)

Chris hiding his Royal money in the one place people won’t get to it…in his stomach.

Ok, so using Lincoln Logs and some Tacky Glue, Chris makes three ships which names I can’t remember at this moment so we’ll call them the Nintendo, the Pina Colada, and the Santa Macaroni or something of that matter. So on 1492, they set off, only to realize that that the Nintendo has sunk instantly due to the whole front of the ship being made out of Megablocks (cause they ran out of Lincoln Logs and being a cheap bastard couldn’t afford Legos used shitty Megablocks)

Using the power of heavy labor and financial power, Chris uses his stockpile of bitch money to get to the New World…but EVERYONE KNOWS ITS CALLED AMERICA. So he gets there and Columbus is all: “I have finally found India!” But all the Native Americans try to tell him otherwise which then leads to a giant massacre of all the Natives cause Columbus is a dick and doesn’t know how to treat people equally. So in the end, he gets to America only to realize there’s no gold and Ferdinand and Isabella would like to have a word with him.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Use MapQuest when traveling, ok?

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Comments: 6 comments

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  • Dallon
    November 26th, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    I totally agree. Christopher Columbus is one heck of a dick.

  • Andrew
    November 26th, 2007 at 11:22 pm

    Hahaha, wow, this is epic.

  • Your Real Dad
    April 12th, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    You’re a fucking dumbass that can’t fucking spell correctly in your own first language when trying to insult somebody. You have nothing going on in your life so you waste time by typing this stupid pointless bullshit that nobody cares about. You’re a joke.

  • Andrew
    April 14th, 2009 at 12:25 am

    ^ INTERNET. SERIOUS BUSINESS. Welcome weary traveler!

  • meanjean
    September 4th, 2009 at 9:11 am

    Chrisopher Columbus was a butcher. Native women would throw their babies off of cliffs rather than have them live under his despotic rule. Whay you have no gold! Then off with your hands. It’s time his ‘holiday” was renamed “Native Holocaust Day”. He was not a hero of any sort.

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